Two things happened this week that led me to choose what to chat about. Storm Bert hit us hard and knocked us for six and the other day, someone very kindly said to me that they always admire how organised and seemingly capable I am…
The story below is totally true and has absolutely nothing to do with fitness, health or exercise.
Back in distant times, I was living in my lovely cottage in a rural area outside Lymington. It was mid December and I was looking forward to both my daughters returning from University for Christmas and I wanted everything to be perfect for their arrival. The house was decorated, the firewood was stocked up, the fridge was full, the wrapping was done and all was well.
We had a large apple tree in the garden near the front hedge and I decided it needed to be wrapped in fairy lights for the final touch. Have you ever tried to do this?
Don’t.
Every job leads to another so first of all, I decided to clear some hedge trimmings and other bits and bobs and started a modest bonfire. Except there was something flammable on the ground and the fire spread quite quickly to the 15ft hedge between me and my neighbours - quite the loveliest, kindest people on earth. I might have shouted an expletive. Clearly one of the lovely neighbours was in the garden.
“Everything alright over there Juliet?”
“All fine here Simon, thank you!” - God FORBID I bother someone and ask for help.
I ran to a shed to find something to beat the fire with and as I opened the door, a rat the size of a Shetland pony jumped up in front of me. I screamed.
“Everything ok over there Juliet?”
“All fine here Simon - thank you". Couldn’t possibly ask for help…
Fortunately Panda, my serial killer Jack Russel was on the case and launched himself through the air, caught hold of and killed the rat before they both hit the floor. George my kind and gentle Labrador then picked it up with his “oh so soft, not a single bite mark” mouth and carried it thoughtfully to deposit at the back door so I may have the pleasure of admiring the kill later. (I do find it fascinating that despite having never worked my dogs, it is so deeply ingrained - the terrier hunts and kills and the retriever - well, he retrieves!)
That little drama over, I spied a rake. This was a true French and Saunders meets Miranda moment and I know you are ahead of me here.. yes, with spectacular fashion, I stepped on the rake end and the pole flew up and whacked me between the eyes. I howled.
“Everything ok over there Juliet?”
“All fine Simon. Thank you.” Ask for help? Me?
Rubbing my rapidly swelling nose, I successfully beat the fire, soaked the hedge with my garden hose and all was well.
Back to the fairy lights. I had bought 3 miles of the blessed things and had them looped, lasso style around one shoulder with a small ladder under the other arm. I propped my ladder against the tree, climbed up and painstakingly wrapped a couple of layers before climbing down, moving the ladder, climbing back up and repeating the process.
This went on for about 10 mins before I started to get a bit bored. This was clearly going to take FOR EVER. Now before you jump to conclusions, yes, I had checked the lights worked - haha, I am not THAT stupid… but up and down the ladder was really laborious and I was getting frustrated so I decided to try a different tactic. Getting a big armful, I threw it at the tree, trotted around pulling it through in different places and it sort of worked quite well actually. Until it didn’t.
Somewhat predictably, it ended up getting tangled in the branches. Big sigh - I got out the big, grown up ladder and climbed up to sort it out. A patient and sensible person would then climb down, move the ladder and climb back up again, repeating as required but I wanted this job done NOW so I just reached, and reached and reeeeeeeeeeeeeached… (cue the intro music to Casualty) and as I reached the branch, the ladder fell down. So did I. Only my jumper was caught in the branches and I (quite brilliantly) slid upside down leaving my jumper and t shirt caught in the tree and found myself sitting on the ground in my jeans and bra, letting out a big “oof”
Everything ok over there Juliet?
YES YES, absolutely fine Simon. Thank you.” Ask for help? Bit late now.
Apart from my nose and rake gate, I was completely unhurt, got dressed and with a fair amount of huffing and puffing, finished the job and let me tell you, that tree looked spectacular. George, Panda, the corpse of a rat by the back door and I were able to stand back and admire my handiwork with such pride, supported by a couple of texts later that evening from friends driving past who ooo’d and aaah’d and much admiration from my lovely neighbours.
I had THE BEST fairy lights display in the village.
Until I didn’t..
I don’t know if you recall the Winter storms of 2012. They were pretty epic. I had 24 hours of magnificent garden lights before the storm blew in. I was lying in bed, listening to the howling wind and rattling windows, the banging of gates somewhere and creaking trees,
Was I thinking of the tiles blowing off the roof or the fences blowing down or the huge old Oak tree falling onto the house? Of course not. I was thinking with some despair only of those lights.
If you are interested, taking broken and totally unrepairable lights down from a tree is far easier and much quicker than putting them up, especially if you are in a bit of a temper and take a few branches with them. Added to my own personal drama was the fact that after so much rain, lots of trees came down taking power lines with them and so we and all the surrounding villages between Beaulieu and Lymington went into a 10 day power cut, taking us right through Christmas and out the other side. It was all very Larkrise to Candleford as for miles across the forest, we were in a candle lit blackout, staying huddled around fires while the multitudes of freezers stocked for Christmas quietly thawed.
So on to Christmas Eve a couple of days later. A local friend who I dog walked with had a really good idea. “Let’s go and see that how bad that little stream is that has burst it’s banks and is running like a mad, dangerous torrent into the Solent” said she. “What a good idea” agreed I “we can take all our dogs down that tiny, hardly known path that guarantees should anything happen to us, it will be months before we are found.”
What could possibly go wrong?
Well, let tell you. The stream was indeed a raging torrent and as we stepped gingerly down the narrow path, the elderly Labrador my friend was looking after slipped and fell into the very deep water.
My next act was one of the most stupid of my life. I jumped in. Did not stop to take off large coat and Wellington boots. Just jumped right in. Please never, ever be as stupid as me.
As the dog climbed swiftly out, further down on the other side and started snuffing about, I was swept off my feet and down the river. While my friend ran (yes, ran - that was the speed of it all) alongside me, I was swept seawards. I had absolutely no say in where I was going, I could not stop myself while thinking how after all my efforts with the fairy lights, now I was going to drown on Christmas Eve and what an inconvenience that was going to be. .
Fortunately the stream narrowed due to a fallen tree which I grabbed hold of and we both dragged me out. Not an easy task fully clothed and wearing wellies! We just sat there in total shock for a while before tipping out the water from my boots and walking home discussing what a fool I was and what a stupid idea it had been.
When I got back, my eldest was in the kitchen making tea on our gas camping stove - (power cut - I already told you).
“Rosie - I was in the river and I nearly drowned” I cried, quite wobbly and emotional. Ever her mother’s daughter, she glanced me up and down and said “but you didn’t though, did you”.
(On that evening’s news was a report of a man who did drown that day doing exactly the same thing while his dog survived. Thank you Universe)
To conclude - my Mother told me many, many times, if you ever need to get a job done, call Juliet. However, while capable, I am also the most stupid person I know!
(N.b. my lovely neighbours still tell me how much they miss me and how it has never been as entertaining since…. )
